Alliance operatives Donna "Double D" Domenitzo and Etherea "Space Cadet" Serendipity make a disturbing discovery while securing the abandoned Hostess bakery on Kal Auri 7's second moon. The reconstruction of the event presented below is based on their after-action reviews, Alliance mission reports, audio recorded on their comm units during the event, and representations made to an Alliance Civil Liberties Union attorney by the surviving family members of an unemployed former member of the Confectionery, Tobacco Workers & Grain Millers International Union.
DONNA: *suddenly pulls her weapon and fires* *BLAM*
ETHEREA: *removes her glowing orange visor and cleans it with a tissue* "DD, what in the hell are you shooting at?"
DONNA: "Look, over there in the corner, there's some kind of hideous, blob-like....alien.....thing!" *BLAM* *BLAM*
ETHEREA: "STOP SHOOTING! I think it may be human....oid! Look, it's wearing a Confectionery, Tobacco Workers & Grain Millers International Union jacket!" *sniffs the air and crinkles her nose* "And you can smell the laziness from here."
DONNA: "Ewww! I hope that big stain on the front is icing."
ETHEREA: "I think that's blood from where you shot it, DD."
DONNA: "No, the other one."
ETHEREA: "Oh my glaccckk!" *gagging sound* "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."
DONNA: "So that shiftless....thing....is the reason we can't get Twinkies anymore? Or Wonder Bread?"
ETHEREA: "Well, I really liked the cupcakes and the Ding Dongs, myself, but yeah."
DONNA: *looking at Etherea's ass*: "I can see you've stored a few away."
ETHEREA: *glaring at Donna* "Uh huh. Just you wait. Keep that up, and POW! to the moon!" *Etherea gestures* "The other moon, I mean, not the one we're on right now."
DONNA: *rolls her eyes* "So am I in trouble for shooting it...or him...or whatever?"
ETHEREA: *shrugs* "Nah, we'll just say you thought you were being charged by a Volus high on red sand. But I'm putting you in for remedial marksmanship training, I think you only hit it in the leg-like blobular mass area. Now it's screaming something about the ACLU suing us to death or something."
DONNA: "What a whiner. I only shot it like three times. Anyone who has ever played Mass Effect knows you have to shoot something a hundred times with these stupid guns to actually kill it. Well, I guess we should finish the thing off, then."
ETHEREA: *nods* "Yeah, it only has about a 97% chance of survival with the slugs you've put in it so far, and we wouldn't want it to suffer. And...um...you were just joking about my butt being big, weren't you?"
DONNA: "No, it's huge-normous, but you're freakishly tall so it kind of evens it out a little bit."
ETHEREA: "You are such a short little bi....."
DONNA: *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*
ETHEREA: *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*
DONNA: "That's for the Sno Ball I didn't get to eat while watching NAPD* Blue last night, you lazy union slob."
ETHEREA: "Yeah!" *BLAM* *BLAM* "I was really craving some of those little mini powdered doughnuts." *BLAM*
DONNA: *sighs* "Let's check the rest of the place out, maybe there are some Twinkies around here somewhere. They say those things stay good for a hundred years."
ETHEREA: "Yeah, in a hundred years all those wrinkles you have will look natural."
DONNA: "Why....you....I oughta........."
*Nos Astra Police Department
I'm not much of a gamer, but I am planning on getting Mass Effect 3 one of these days. So, I recently replayed Mass Effect, and I'm currently playing through Mass Effect 2 again. I also just happened to coincidentally get these nice Mass Effect costumes in a Halloween hunt in Second Life, and I thought they looked great so I wanted to get some pics of them.
All of that is apropos of nothing, as the caption has virtually nothing to do with Mass Effect (although people who have played ME or ME2 will probably get some of the references) and everything to do with my pique at Hostess closing down. I'm still not sure why I conflated the two for this caption, but I hope it's at least entertaining.
Oh, and if you're one of the people responsible for me never having another Hostess cupcake, I hope you die and go to a special hell where there is nothing to eat but Hostess baked goods and not a drop of milk anywhere. But, mainly, just die.
Etherea "Space Cadet" Serendipity
Donna "Double D" Domenitzo